Every year, I play with the wording of my ceremonies.  While some have remained classics embedded in memory for years, others are new.  In the past month, I sifted through many former packets of ceremonies, including those retrieved by removing dust from an old mac laptop ditched for extreme slowness and a broken mouse pad.  I then reaffirmed copyright protection of my work through the Library of Congress.  I had first gained a certificate of registration via the Register of Copyrights in 2009 (ID#TD 6-979-765).  But with all the new stuff, I had to reaffirm my claim.

Culled together, the packet now has “as many marriage ceremonies as the alphabet.”  If you are counting, that’s twenty-six (26) unique services.  Half are totally new and original. Another half do indeed have my style imprinted and yet surely recycle concepts from scripts written by others. Likewise, I tried juxtaposing lengths and overall tones.

I am a formal writer with a preference for old-fashioned fluff –versus sappiness.  Nonetheless, I recognize that many of my couples prefer basic wording and even a few almost-cliches.  Therefore, although most of my texts contain thick phrasing or in some way, some samples are very simple and straightforward.

The booklet embodies such diversity that if you cannot find a ceremony in this packet that you like overall, you definitely want either a fully unique, personalized ceremony or a different minister/pastor/officiant/celebrant.

I’d love to distribute the packet to anyone for any reason. Sadly, the real problem for any officiant or celebrant are friendors stealing original work.  For this reason, I’ve built a booklet through Lulu.  Folks can read a favorite ceremony, but cannot “cut and paste” or print text.

To read these scripts, please follow this link and click on “Preview” below the book.

J+N Get Married in the Winter Garden at the Snug Harbor Cultural Center

What’s wrong with the classic civil ceremony?  Nothing at all.  For almost five hundred years, whether religious or non-religious, millions of couples pledged their devotion using essentially the same vows.  Sure, some variation exists.  But the essence has held constant. A “Dearly beloved….” introduces a reminder to couples about the responsibilities and joys of marriage, the couple offers their consent, exchanges vows, exchanges rings, and then the officiant wishes them well.  A priest or reverend adds a blessing or sermon.  That’s it.  Tried, true, and timeless.  The classic ceremony connects the couple to others couples on a genuine historical continuum that declares “marriage is a commitment to be the best person you can be to help and encourage your partner to do the same.”

“Will you have this man/woman to be your wife to live together in the (holy) bonds of matrimony?  Will you love, honor, (respect), and comfort him/her, and forsaking all others, keep yourself faithful only unto him so long as you both shall live?”

“(In the name of God), I, N., take you N., as my (lawfully) wedded wife/husband to have and to hold, for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, and to love (honor), and cherish….for all the days of our lives / for as long as we both shall live/until death do we part.”

“With this ring, I thee wed (in the name of God).”

The beautiful flowers of one of my late winter brides

What’s wrong with a modern or contemporary marriage ceremony with personal vows?  Nothing at all.

About a third of my couples write personal vows or…or mix and match pieces they find on the internet.  Some even recite poetry or lyrics.  In most cases, I do not even see their vows before the wedding; instead, I use a simple question of intent to make sure I cover the legal bit. And then I introduce the couple’s personal vows.  These may express sugary romance, friendship, or sincere intimacy as the couple remarks upon eccentricities.  After all, the vows are the core, the “heart,” of the ceremony.  Every marriage ceremony must contain some form of consent, and the vast majority use a spoken promise to do so.

“N, pledging yourself to remain caring and loving, do you choose N., as you wife/husband/partner/companion and closest ally through tranquility and travail for the rest of your life?”

“Thank you for choosing me and for putting up with my quirks daily.  I appreciate everything about you.  I love the way your forehead crinkles, your silliness, dedication, and patience.  I promise to support you, to listen to you, and to comfort you in times of struggle and happiness.  I give you this ring as a symbol of my affection.  The circle is as endless as our friendship will be.”

For the record, I am very pet-friendly. Until I was thirteen, my family had “Beach,” who was a large dog that wandered the neighborhood (yeah, it’s part of Eastern Long Island culture).  Then we had “Sprite,” who was a mellow cocker spaniel always on a quest for food.  For the past six years, I’ve cared for Olivia the Brussels-Bichon mix who only adores her family and fears even pieces of paper plus Aida the Havanese who fears nothing but heights and absolutely loves everyone.  They sleep with us and sit on our laps when we send e-mails.  We also bring them on all family vacations, as the rest of our family likes dogs too.

The point?  My dogs are appendages, and I respect their quirks.  After all, I have one dog who will only kiss her family and another who will generally only kiss strangers and babies. So if you want to involve your dog, as some of my couples have, please do so!  I even pulled one of Liam’s photos from a wedding a few years ago in which the family dog played a role.

And, yes, I certainly like cats and other pets too.  But I do have an irrational fear of snakes, so that might be too much.

Technically, New York Domestic Law is liberal in terms of what a legit marriage service must include.  A simple “I take you as my wife/husband” may suffice.  The law actually specifies that the couple be wed according to the “rites of thee denomination of the officiant.” All this makes for wonderfully diverse ways by which couples may legally wed.

I love history, and I was browsing some archives when I came across the original contract signed by the Puritans who had recently arrived to Dedham, MA back in 1636.  Anger towards such settlers for their treatment of Native Americans is certainly justified, yet so too is a fleeting acknowledgment of the profound shift represented by the way they managed the community.  So, for fun, I made some adjustments and reoriented the contract into a marriage contract.  The contractual terms would be read by the officiant as a prelude to the license signing.  It could be used within a ceremony, or even on its own with a “joining of right hands” as a sign of consent, which would also be a valid method of consent historically.

Much of our happiness flows from the strength of our resolve to discharge our duties in relationships. Forasmuch as these persons have chosen each other from the multitudes willingly to partake in domestic life together, each shall bear special responsibility for the joy of the other.

You, whose names are here subscribed unto this marriage license, do in reverence, mutually promise to profess and practice truth according to that most perfect rule, which enjoins the foundation of everlasting love.

You shall by all means labor to refrain from that which is contrary and receive only unto yourselves that which yields one heart such that you may well know and be truly informed to walk in peaceable conversation with all meekness of spirit for the edification of each other in knowledge and faithfulness.

You shall give mutual encouragement unto all temporal comforts in all things and seek the good of each other out of which may be derived genuine accord. If, at any time, differences shall rise between you, then you shall refer them unto some mediator to be fully determined without further delay.

Each person shall contribute an equal share of responsibility as a free subject unto this family society from this day forward to espouse a loving and helpful companionship for the prosperous and thriving condition of the bond of matrimony.

You shall especially respect and desire to begin and continue to remain in gracious favor with one another, as befitting those with pure motives to dwell in harmony and affection.

For the manifestation of your consent herein, each will witness hereunto your name and thereby oblige yourselves forevermore to this marriage covenant.

J+L also proved that customized ceremonies are not the only route to a meaningful exchange of vows.  On the evening of their ceremony, the groom expressed to me the sentiment that even though they were together for many years, saying the classic vows within a traditional civil ceremony (they choose my semi-formal service) really marked and reinforced their commitment.  And the bride later wrote: “Thank you so much for marrying us! We had such a terrific wedding it couldn’t have been more perfect “

It is a darkish, romantic “raw space” with a funky back-room area that represents the welding together of refinement and urban grittiness. My couple even brought along their dog for photos, although he didn’t stay for the reception.  It was such a joy officiating a refined, yet informal ceremony there!

Judie,

Sorry it took me so long to reply, our computer was broken and I could only see the pics from my phone.  We absolutely love them!!  We are very happy with how they came out and are so excited to have them.  You and Liam did a great job with everything and are very happy we chose you to help us on our special day – and for that matter than you took us on such short notice .  Also we received our marriage certificate today.  Thank you again for everything.  Truly pleased with everything!  THANK YOU.

Jessica & Jon